Sometimes it is necessary to recognize that things don’t always go the way you want. Perfectionism can be gruelling on one’s psyche. Sometimes it’s hard saying no and when you push yourself on overdrive mistakes are sure to occur.
I took up the challenge to step out of my comfort zone as I’ve been told that I have to overcome fears. Also I’m hiding a gift. I personally always feel awkward and it has been really battling the power of wills. Each time I sing publicly I visualize as much as I can the lord and His pleasure. I feel terribly unqualified as I don’t play a key instrument. So each time I go before my lord I learn the lesson of humility. I don’t have much except my love for you and my raw voice.
Living in a highly critical and judgmental community; it’s a hard call to hold it together when you have multiple devotees saying to you- please sing for Krsna; you should want to do this. I do it’s just that I don’t like a crowd by nature. What do you do when you do not have one single person who loves you so much and supports you. Your family is miles away; your husband at home. Who do you rely on? The one you’re singing for… of course..
I have done this so many times… so why on earth did the sanka bhaje Ganta baje, baje karatala didn’t come out as should? How did I brave it? By continuing of course… Then why did I start feeling so hot in the temple room to pass out when I started seeing mahaprabhu arms in the air? Lessons of humility and surrender.
I will rest in my cocoon and hope not to be challenged again.